A Quik-Mart Employee’s Handy Guide to Monsters – Andrea Speed Style – And There’s A Giveaway Too!!

So you’re working the night shift. Congratulations! As you may know, some Quik-Marts have their own special challenges, so we put together this handy reference guide to help you give the best in customer service, no matter who – or what – your customer is. Remembers – monsters are customers too, and you should treat them accordingly.

Apemen – A rarely seen creature, you may see them around Halloween. Generally quiet and well mannered despite looking like lowland gorillas, they generally buy flea collars and Laffy Taffy. Make no sudden moves around them! You may need to remind them of our “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy in a calm, quiet voice.

Fairies – Rumored to exist, none have actually been seen by former and current staff members. Supposedly small, humanoid, and winged. Some are said to be grumpy. Buying preferences unknown.

Giant Hamsters – These are probably not actual hamsters, but they appear to be a relative. They can be anywhere from sixteen feet high to forty feet or so, with droppings large enough to crush a Humvee. Terribly cute, they have a tendency to smell like feet and will eat everything in their path, from cars to buildings to trees and people. If one does show up, your best bet is to scare them away is fire and/or cats. They also seem to be scared of Bjork’s music.

Lizard Men (a/k/a Reptilians) – Not known to speak any language we recognize, they are generally the most polite of creatures, and have a tendency to leave change, so we assume they don’t have pockets in their wardrobes. (Management would appreciate it if you put the change in the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray.) They like salty snacks. Please don’t ask what gender they are – it is considered rude. (This is also true for the apemen.)

“Squids” – Another rumored species, this one is supposedly vaguely humanoid creatures with tentacles and squid-like heads. Very dangerous! If ever seen, shutting down the store is advisable. To date, none have made a verified appearance.

Vampires – Generally human in appearance, you usually can’t tell them apart from normal humans unless they want you to, although it has been said they’re generally super-magnetic and extremely charming. Their buying habits are unknown.

Werewolves – For some reason, this species prefers hanging out in the parking lot and chasing cars. It’s unknown if they come into the store in human form. It’s said they’re people that smell like wet dogs, but this is unconfirmed. They are carnivores, but in non-human form they also have a penchant for going through garbage, so lock the Dumpster if possible. Them only coming out during full moons is a myth, so keep the Dumpsters locked every night. You might want to keep Febreeze on hand for the pervasive scent of pee. Dislike silver.

Zombies – Dead humans that have been re-animated by unknown means, they have never been known to be violent towards regular people on Quik-Mart property. They can be in some state of decay, and pieces of a zombie have been known to fall off, ranging in size from skin clumps to entire limbs. If this should happen in the store, it’s best if you wait until the zombie leaves before cleaning up, as there is no reason to embarrass a customer. In the winter, if it’s especially cold, pieces might break off, and they may seem slower than usual. This is normal. Zombies generally only buy frozen burritos, so have lots on hand. Since their vocal cords are as decayed as the rest of them, they can’t talk, and you shouldn’t engage them in conversation.

Yeti/Sasquatch – It’s unknown if these are a separate species or the same species with different colored fur. They are rather large and hairy, and their “conversation” is limited to grunts and what might be considered burps. They seem to hang around the parking lot and rarely venture in, leading some to speculate they eat werewolves. Little is known about these large, strong creatures, and they are best avoided if at all possible.

If you encounter any creatures not listed here, please send their description (include photo if possible) to the head office, along with any notable details (smell, buying preferences, anything fellow clerks should know). Thank you for working at Quik-Mart Industries, your work away from home.

Note: Quik-Mart Industries only exists in the world of Josh of the Damned. If you encounter any of these creatures in real life, you may need to adjust your medication and/or get some medication.

Here’s the blurb from Pretty Monsters:

Josh knew the night shift at the Quik-Mart would be full of freaks and geeks—and that was before the hell portal opened in the parking lot. Still, he likes to think he can roll with things. Sure, the zombies make a mess sometimes, but at least they never reach for anything more threatening than frozen burritos.

Besides, it’s not all lizard-monsters and the walking dead. There’s also the mysterious hottie with the sly red lips and a taste for sweets.

Josh has had the hots for Hot Guy since the moment he laid eyes on him, and it seems Hot Guy might be sweet on Josh too. Now if only Josh could figure out whether that’s a good thing, a bad thing, or something in between. After all, with a hell vortex just a stone’s throw away, Josh has learned to take nothing at face value—even if it’s a very, very pretty face.

This title is #1 of the Josh of the Damned series. Read an excerpt and purchase Pretty Monsters.

Here’s the Blurb from Peek-A-Boo:

As night-shift clerk at the go-to Quik-Mart for monsters with the munchies, Josh Caplan believes he’s seen it all. Battling lizard men, werewolves chasing cars in the parking lot . . . nothing fazes Josh anymore.

Or so he thinks, at least, until a yeti with poor communication skills drops a dead skunk on the checkout counter. Josh can’t figure what a living, breathing shag carpet wants with him, or why it won’t leave him alone no matter how hard he ignores it. But hey, at least it seems harmless . . . if perhaps a little slow on the draw.

But Sasquatch is plenty fast when two of Josh’s human customers try to out-monster the monsters. Times are strange when creatures from the hell portal save the day, but in the protective hands of a lovesick yeti and a sexy vampire boyfriend, Josh realizes that maybe his new normal isn’t so bad after all.

Peek-A-Boo is the second in the Josh of the Damned series. Read an excerpt and purchase Peek-A-Boo.

Redemption Reef

Ready for the contest info?! Just send an email with your answer and Top2Bottom Reviews in the subject line to: andreaspeed2@gmail.com

QUESTION: What two things does the yeti try to give Josh?

Simple, but you’ll have to have read the story first.

And if you get the answer right, you’ll be entered for the chance to win Andrea’s “Infected” ebook collection!

Andrea will hold the drawing at the end of the Blog Tour and the winner will be notified via email.

Good Luck!


  1. Pingback: Josh of the Damned blog tour starts today! | In Absentia

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